Almost every high school student is familiar with Beowulf. It is,
after all, the first know written epic in the English language. And through
better and more modern translations appearing every year, the poetry's timeless
beauty is even more accessible than it ever was. It should be little surprise
that, in this flush of recent accessibility, someone in Hollywood should choose
to make Beowulf into a film--a science fiction film, at that.
I've got to say, it's a fascinating idea. But it takes a great deal
of nerve to tackle such an ambitious project--as well as heaps of creativity
and sensitivity. You won't find any of that in this 1999 version of Beowulf.
The film, starring Christopher Lambert, of The Highlander fame, does
little more than give lip service to the original epic. Even if a viewer
had absolutely no foreknowledge of this great work and judged the film solely
on its own merit as a science fiction piece, the film falls flat on its face.
The storyline barely resembles the original Beowulf, outside of a few
common characters, and a couple of monsters. But, after all, some change is
inevitable: the whole genre of the material is being changed. What is
unforgivable is the poor acting, the forced relationships between the
characters, and the tacky use of barely-clad babes to keep viewers' interest.
The essential storyline of epic poem is a marvel of simplicity: brave warrior
goes to foreign king to rid him of his rampant monster; succeeds only to face
the beast's dam in a lake; heroically slays both monsters to save King Hrothgar's
court. Heaped with honors, warrior returns home a hero, and eventual king.
He rules justly for fifty years; then, in his old age, one last foe threatens
him: a dragon of a deep cave. Knowing in his heart that this will be his
last battle--and his own mortality--King Beowulf bravely faces death (and takes
the dragon down with him).
Beowulf, the film, goes something like this: scantily-clad
princess is saved from the guillotine of the mobs by a stranger on horseback
named Beowulf. They proceed on to the castle, where desperate King Hrothgar
tells Beowulf about their problem. The problem, of course, is that
a monster, Grendel, has been haunting the castle after dark and making late-night
munchies of the king's court. Hrothgar has tried to face the monster himself,
but the beast refuses to fight him. The entire court is under the suspicion
that Beowulf is really there to avenge the death of Princess Kyra's murdered
husband, but agrees to let him in to fight the monster. In the ensuing
battle, Beowulf receives mortal wounds--but to everyone's surprise, they mysteriously
vanish by morning. Beowulf confides to Princess Kyra that he isn't any
more human than Grendel is--he is the son of Beo, a god of evil--the only difference
between them being that Beowulf escapes from being evil himself by fighting
it wherever he goes. This information not withstanding, Beowulf enters
into an lifeless tryst with the princess.
Roland, the best of the king's warriors, is jealous of Beowulf because he himself
is in love with Kyra--who only sees him as a brother. Beowulf does indeed mortally
wound Grendel, and hangs the bloody claw from the rafters in the mead-hall where
the celebration ensues. At least I think they're celebrating (with this cast,
it's mighty hard to tell). However, the celebrating is short-lived. Right
afterward, we see the mysterious tart we've been cringing at in King Hrothgar's
lusty dreams--now at the castle gate--seducing Roland into letting her inside
by letting her--well, never mind. Arriving triumphantly at the mead-hall,
the blonde holds forth by announcing that she is Grendel's mother. It
is she who caused the late queen to commit suicide by jumping from the battlements,
after taunting the good queen with her pregnancy. She then lays a big
old whammy on King Hrothgar, claiming that, through their past affair, Grendel
is really the king's son (hence the lusty dreams). Cursed out and spurned
again by the king, Grendel's mommy commences to morph into what looks like a
Transformer toy and flying around the mead-hall, conveniently killing
everyone but Beowulf and Princess Kyra. Beyond this, it really becomes
too painful to watch. But there is more--though the rest of the film is
so dull it makes the first half shine like Christmas morning.
Christopher Lambert, in the title role, may as well be a cardboard cut-out,
flatly growling out confusing epigrams and occasional curt attempts at wit.
Beowulf the warrior he may resemble, but without the cool weapons and
Jackie Chan moves, still a poor one. Did I say Jackie Chan-? In
Beowulf? Yep--in fact, not only Beowulf, but most of the cast,
seem to be black belts in the martial arts. Even when it's totally unnecessary,
Lambert somersaults and flips through the air like a flapjack. But much
harder to watch is his feeble attempt at romance. For King Hrothgar's
foxy daughter, it must have been like making out with a lamppost. Rhona
Mitra breathes a little fire into her role as the saucy princess, but not enough
to rescue the film. The other players are adequate at best. But
worst of all is the character acting of Grendel's mother. Who on earth
would expect the monster's dam to look like a silicon-puffed Playboy cast-off?
As she licks her lips and seduces the castle's menfolk--including Hrothgar--her
performance is almost laughable. What am I saying? It is laughable. Her
outfits definitely nail the Worst Costume of the Film award, especially
in her final scene--but I'll leave that, er, to the imagination. Never
mind that there were no babes--bodacious or otherwise--in the original Beowulf,
except for Hrothgar's queen--least of all one dressed in a seaweed Wonder Bra.
There are other things that bother me. Like the attempt to entangle Beowulf,
Roland, and Kyra, in a romantic triangle with about as much chemistry as a puddle
of mud. Grendel's mother and King Hrothgar, seen only in confusing segues,
are downright embarrassing. Oh, and there is also the interjection of
a foil of sorts into the muddle : a likable, but very out-of-place weapons manager
named Will. Placed among the drab and humorless castle-folk, the character
of Will is a very modern-day, hip black kid who seems as though he were spliced
in at random from another film.
Okay, there are some really cool weapons in Beowulf. A couple of
neat visuals and gimmicks, too, like Hrothgar's castle: its main tower consists
of a giant fist opening and closing. Let's see, what else is good--well,
Beowulf rides a beautiful black horse. Aside from a few widely scattered
goodies, the film makes a huge disappointment out of what could have been a
great idea. But the biggest tragedy of all lies in the essential fact
that, for all his bravery and victories, in the epic poem Beowulf deeply realizes
his own humanity. He is a true hero, while the film's Beowulf has no humanity
at all--heck, he isn't even human to begin with! Makes him mighty hard
to relate to.
Lovers of great literature, beware: this film tramples ruthlessly on sacred
ground.
