Green Man Review / 08 August 2010

A quick note before we tell a tale this week. Our new site, the Sleeping Hedgehog is now up. As it says there, 'Sleeping Hedgehog will be covering myriad aspects of popular culture not covered by our sister site which is Green Man Review as that endeavour will now focus on music (Celtic, English trad, American roots, and singer-songwriter will be stressed now) and fantastical fiction of all genres including science fiction, fantasy, and horror whereas Sleeping Hedgehog will cover non-fiction works ranging from the finest culinary adventures to the latest history books, mysteries and detective fiction; comics, both Western and Asian; anime, animated films, and foreign films in general; popular music including Jazz, Blues, and Rock 'n' Roll; and music from around the globe as well as classical and contemporary 'serious' music.' So we look forward to seeing you comments on our new venture as commenting is welcome there as it will be here when Green Man Review is also a blog starting with the Celtic New Year!

The notice-board at the Green Man is about what you'd expect. The frame isn't always the same -- some days it's horn; some days it's ivory (you generally can't trust the notices on frame-of-ivory days). Most days, though, it's some kind of wood, although it's not always the same wood, or the same size.

Fortunately, most of the long-term messages stay in place . . . most of the time.

But if there are a lot of lost and found notes, say, we've noticed that the board itself moves from wall to wall when no one's looking. It seems to regard this as part of the fun, though no one else appreciates the humour all that much.

It's particular, too, about how notices are affixed. Tape doesn't work; messages fall right off as soon as you turn your back. Staples aren't much better, unless you're careful to keep them clear of other notices. Somehow staples manage to slide right out of paper. The board just looks innocent --

The thing seems to have its own idiosyncratic sense of tradition. Take my word on this, you'll be wiser to use push pins for your notices -- or better yet, brass tacks. It's been established that daggers work, but the board tends to yelp . . . and if you stick them too far in, it wriggles on the wall like a live thing (which, to be sure, it may just be).

Still, if you want to be certain something stays in place for a while, that's one way to go about it. But be warned -- if your message isn't ungodsly important, then Winter will give you hell about scarring the walls. So best to wait 'til the board's hanging on plaster for that kind of treatment, rather than (say) the fumed-oak walls of the Pub; and be very sure your message is worth the trouble. And -- word to the wise -- you'd better be prepared to repair the damage yourself.

Besides, some who've taken that approach have had additional cause to regret it afterward. Their subsequent notices tend to disappear; and when they go to post something by themselves, they claim the board talks to them ... It whines, mostly. Bad as a six-year-old on a long trip, or so a friend of mine told me.

Or it gripes. If you've annoyed it, it'll offer you advice on grammar and punctuation (mostly bad), and let you know in no uncertain terms how ugly it thinks your missing item -- or your significant other -- really is.

But there's not a doubt that this bulletin board is the most eclectic one this side of the Border. A random sampling of notices we spotted last week included these --

Lost -- one laptop computer, black and silver, somewhat battered. May contain small boy. Leave word for Robin or Kit at the First Tree.

Contact Gus asap if you have seen any of his elephant garlic which have apparently gone walkabout. They are of a rather good size, fast moving, and extremely smelly. Do not use them for cooking purposes please!

Wanted -- Adventurers or Heroes to lead Pub Crawl Tours in The City. Must have own spears and armour, knowledge of The City's pubs, and good public speaking skills. Ability to speak Japanese a plus.

LOST -- Trad R, our pet gryphon, flew out the back door last Saturday and we haven't seen him since. Golden with black wing-tips and one black fore-talon; sings in polyrhythms. Friendly and affectionate provided you have raw meat. On second thought, maybe 'approach with caution' is more appropriate. PLEASE leave message with Green Man staff for Harvey or Gulland.

For Sale -- Elven dark lantern. Bright white light from elvenstone, metal shutters with dwarven patented spring system, great for exploring Borderlands, a few minor dents. Ask about other questing equipment. Owner retiring.

Found -- small dragon wandering Beet Market Lane. Red eyes, green and pearl scales, wearing collar marked 'Fluffy'. Contact Jaz at Sign Of The Hen.

How to Write for ADHD Fae -- seminar Thursday, at the Iron Cage, corner of Fourth and Temptress Streets. Come prepared to stay a while.

Rooms -- clean, basic, cheap. 100% deposit by week only. Ask for Roald at Hodsettles' Hostlers.

There's a faded and tattered sheet that's been tacked up there for years now, hand-written, reading:

Lessons in sword, spear, knife, staff, combat archery and improvised weapons -- learn to walk the worlds in a little more safety. Contact Gereg, Conn or Robin in the Perennial Sparring Session. Follow the sound of the laughter and the practise weapons, or ask for today's directions at the bar. Irregular combat arts on irregular ground. Price negotiable (we want our friends to be able to protect themselves). If the weapon you fancy isn't on the list . . . ask.

Celtic Pagan priestess needed for hand fasting in Oberon's Wood on Lammas. Sky-clad obviously and able to tolerate drunken, off-key bards and terrible sword jokes a desired trait. Leave note with Fiddler Jack. Pay in currency of your choice or choice trade if desirable.

Lost -- One dog, 3 legs, and a rare Dutch tulip bulb from 1637, all well-preserved. Please notify Babs at the Silver Skull Brothel. Please do not eat items. Reward offered; not monetary.

Fiddle lessons, $30. Michael Coleman, at Exile of Erin in Newmarket Street.

Has your Pheonix lost its spark? Toves looking more shabby than slithy? Ring up Rubeus' exotic pet grooming and we'll get your beastie looking its best! (Sorry, due to insurance regs no Hydra or Basilisks.)

Lost -- ring marked with runes, great sentimental value, reward offered. Advise not putting it on.
Tonight -- A Reading of Goliardic Literature -- Modern Interpretations of Old Genius. Admission free with a donated bottle of retsina or other fine wine, demonstration of an adequate singing voice, or presentation of a clean blood test certificate. Located at the Stand Up Spear, begins just after Evening Bells.

Panel Discussion -- 'The Thrill of the Hunt -- Blood Sports Then and Now,' moderated by Mr. Henry Fitzroy. Panelists will include Sr. Sebastien de Ulloa, the Conte di Santo-Germano, and Mizuo Kureha. Others to be announced. Saturday, November 1, 8 p.m., at the American Red Cross, 19 E. Van Buren St. Refreshments will be served.

. . . Eclectic enough for you? Well, should all of that not suffice to convince you, you can read the reviews. Yes, the bulletin board has reviews. Truth be told, I'm pretty sure the board posts them for itself -- no one ever sees them turn up, and nobody's ever admitted to posting them.

But look around the edges, especially on ivory-frame days, and you'll see things like --

First-rate local coverage... wherever local means to you!

BEST BULLETIN BOARD IN THE NINE WORLDS

Hey -- look at these terrific notices!

Looking for results? Post your notice here!

FROM NORTH TO SOUTH,
FROM EAST TO WEST,
THIS BULLETIN BOARD
IS JUST THE BEST.
BURMA-SHAVE

And -- my personal favourite --

Me! Me! Look at ME!

I haven't mentioned the dating and social aspects of the board yet, have I? They're . . . distinctive. You have to figure that in a place like this, where so many realities intersect (some would say 'collide'), there are going to be a few interesting personal adverts.

Need ride to Shambhala asap. Can split food/fuel costs. Ask for M. Polo at the Pub.

Association For the Restoration of the English Second Person Singular -- If thou wouldst mend thy mother tongue, we invite thee to join with like minds for plotting the overthrow of a debased linguistic regime. AFRESPS meetings in the H P Lovecraft , the iij Thursday of each month at 7 -- 30 o' the clock. Be thou there or be thou square.

Steampunk girl seeks elven boy to create new fashion trend. NO UNSEELIES, MELNIBONÉANS OR VAMPIRES.

Three Sisters coming-out party tonight! All who serve royalty are invited; bakers and stewards preferred. No dogs or birds allowed. This event will be held at Sign of the King, starting sunset, ending with proposals of marriage.

Living tattoo seeks host skin. Permanent; no psychic invasion. I just need a place to spread my paint. Post response here; you pick where to meet. Specific design motifs negotiable.

Mrs. Peel -- we're needed.

Vampires Anonymous -- Break The Blood Habit -- Ready to make a change but not ready to watch the sun come up? Need support? WE'VE BEEN THERE. WE CAN HELP. Join us in the H P Lovecraft Memorial Library every Monday, two hours after sundown.

Must reach Sorginak for sabbat. May I share your broom/carpet/nightmare? Can pay in gold, blood, sweat or tears.

. . . Make no mistake, friend, people have been posting things here for some time. Last month, I came across a note penned in a fine Chancery hand, reading --

Saue iobbes for our Scribes -- banne the Gutenberg preƒƒe!

Another, more prosaically, read --

Summer is ycumen inne, the funne's in my harte & I'm lookynge for loue. Inquyre for Geoffrey C atte þe Inns of Chancerie.

Nearby there's a sheet of parchment that can pretty regularly get an argument going, any time the board decides to let it turn up again -- an exquisite anatomical study of a unicorn, rendered in the style of Leonardo da Vinci and with his signature scrawled at the bottom. Labeled 'Anatomia del Unicorno', it catches a lot of eyes. It's not uncommon to come in and see a knot of people studying that one - some swearing it's genuine, others equally convinced it's a fake.

The board just loves that. You can see the ivory frame glowing. But even the ivory's no assurance that it's false -- do you have any idea how many worlds Leonardo crossed with a couple of his gadgets? One world's reality is another's myth.

Just another night at the Green Man. Come on, let me buy you a round.

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